Honest to Blog?

you've been with me for almost a year now and thank you so much because i found an avenue wherein i could air out some of my thoughts,insights,feelings and things that i can't openly tell with anyone. you've been very patient with me in listening to my seemingly endless woes on love and life in general. this will be my last entry....so got to go now and i'll visit you when i can have a time and when i just wanted to feel the nostalgia of looking back some memories and realizations that were stored in here. bye

Do not struggle against your thoughts; they are stronger than you are. If you want to be free of them, accept them.---Paulo Coelho

these are some of my recurring thoughts, thoughts which i am struggling to fight and to ignore but sadly they all just won't simply go away. thoughts which i should simply need to accept until i'll grow tired of thinking about them and then eventually find the heart to just simply let these thoughts go away(except items 5 and 6)...here are some of those...

1. that he exist whether i like it or not,his existence would go beyond to the extent of visiting me in my thoughts.(i used to write about this before, iisipin kita ng iisipin until magsawa na ako sa kakaisip sayo....shiiiiiit na malagkeeet..so cheesy)

2. that i still love him,the hardest truth which i can't simply shake off my head,that inspite of what i've been through, i would still love him but i am also deeply aware of what he is, so now, i will just accept that he can't be mine, he never was actually, he will never be mine. loving is not owning remember?

3. that he changed, along with his views,ideals,personality and ideologies. he's in a different world apart from mine. this is not college anymore.

4. that for now i am not what he wants, that he might one day come back and pester me again with his attitude of being too casual about everything that happened,in fact he may make it appear as if nothing happened. it's so him actually. but trust me once he'll come back i will not be the same "jong-crazed" woman as i was before. i can be too casual about it as well.

5. that i need to move on because i know that somebody is out there for me,and it is not him because the truth is i am really destined to be with someone better. that God loves me so much so as not to let me settle with a man who would only hurt me.

6. that i need to forgive him in the same way that i also forgive myself in all my transgressions and follies while loving him.

It's my papa's 4th year death anniversary tomorrow. Everything changed when he was gone for good,knowing that he's gone still brings pain. It was difficult to accept that the man whose been with me for almost my entire life was dead. I just wish pang that i can handle the responsibility you've left me to look out for mama,jade and carlo. I am trying my best to come up with some really good plans and means to support this family,I wish that you are constantly watching over us wherever you are. I miss you so much. I wish you were still around to see me now, totally changed from the irresponsible person you've seen me before. I know you died bringing with you your frustrations on me. Wherever you are right now, i wish that you've seen me and be proud of me somehow. I love you and i always have although i am not that showy,but i do love you pa. I miss you

Been a lot that I've been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby

But that ain't enough to break me
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll dust the pain off my heart

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Been alot of tears stained nights
I thought the tears were here for life, baby
The hurt came on and held on tight, yeah
Took a chance, I took a fall
Love broke my heart and shattered all my dreams
But I won't be down on my knees
Cuz I'll rise above it
And I'll pick myself up
And I'll shake the rain out of my heart

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

Gonna pick my heart up
Take my life back
Shake the hurt away
Pull myself together, put the pieces back in place
I learned love's so hard
Love left my soul scarred
I was shattered inside

And I'll be alright
And I'll love again
And the wounds will mend
I'm bruised but not broken
And the pain will fade
I'll get back on my feet
It's not the end of me
My heart is still open
I'm bruised but not broken

A lot of things are going on lately

1. got a new lappy
2. will work part time for GNA(homebased) next month
3. planning to go to my hometown(Surigao) to visit my papa's grave on Nov. 1 and 2
4. got inspired by joss stone's bruised but not broken(will post the lyrics on my next entry)
5. contented with my safe and predictable life
6. i've realized that i am married to my tech. stuffs nowadays,oh gawd..my social life is now substituted with mobile phone and pc,whew!

my life seems okey,less complicated,predictable,and routinize

for that one liar who once became a part of my life,this is for you... dear lie


Dear Lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had balls I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you unnerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more

Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me out of me
Out of me
Out of me lie
Lie lie lie lie

Dear lie
You're dumb
You think you've got the best of me
You think you won
Misread my vulnerability
I've got your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I've learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Won't let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

Lie lie
I've got
Your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Wont' let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

Lie lie
Dear lie
Lie lie lie lie
Lie lie
Dear lie

hmm mag senti ko krn...carpenters ang tirada...and yeah,some good things never really last, some good things are bound to end,and that thing was meant to stop. there are times when i asked,why do i need to meet him? i never asked for him, i never prayed for him, i never wished to be hurt by him. all i wanted to do was just to love and hopefully be loved back in return, and then our paths crossed, i don't know what brought us to meet in the first place, fate? destiny? or just pure coincidence,maybe the latter. I just think of it this way,there could be good reasons why our paths crossed,because i learned a great deal,i learn to love myself more,i learn to pick up the broken pieces of my self-esteem and mend it whole,in short i've grown out of it, di pa rin ako lugi somehow. and i do believe in this-->IF SOMETHING WASN'T MEANT FOR YOU, IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT EVENTUALLY. No matter how much you try to fix things, if it was broken,it's really broken,and no matter how you tried to put things back,it will never be the same. so goodbye na lang ug padaun sa pag uswag,haha.....he's already a product of my past,in short history na.....